Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Who am I forgetting to be?

I need to find my passion, my purpose. It's waiting for me, I can feel it. It's on the tip of my tongue like a thought I can't recall. I can't put my finger on it. It's elusive, dancing in the corners of my mind. It's not my sole purpose I seek to find because I believe being a mother, wife, daughter and friend are all a part of who I am meant to be, but there is something I have yet to fulfill.
I am often jealous of those who have that one drive, their one focus, especially from a young age where they have time to hone it to perfection. Here I am, "middle aged" and I feel a clock ticking, a "now or never" whisper. My interests are many, my dedication are to few and my mastery... none.

I love to write, to create, to teach, to shop, to take drink wine. Yet sometimes I'm too tired to write, too stagnant to create, too impatient to teach, too broke to shop, too clueless to take charge, and yes...too hung over to drink wine.

I overheard my mother once say to my father that I was a dreamer. I considered this an insult and, at the time, it hurt to hear. But my mother was right, I am a dreamer. However, now I believe that being a dreamer is an asset. Perhaps I have the sense to acknowledge a potential, to give it a go and then to know when something isn't my "it".

Perhaps I'll stumble upon it one day. Someone once told me that if you are having trouble remembering something to stop thinking about it and it will come to you out of the blue. Maybe my purpose will find me when I'm not looking. Maybe the UPS man will bring it to my door one afternoon and ask me to sign for it. Or it'll be on one of those little pieces of paper you find stuck to your windshield in a strip mall parking lot. I realize this is not likely; a little intervention from fate would really be appreciated.

I do worry that my whole life could be spent floating, seeking, trying and never realizing. If I find the thing that satisfies my soul when I'm old and gray is it too late? Will it still make "a life fulfilled"? Should I just be satisfied with being the best mother, wife, daughter and friend I can be? Am I asking for or expecting too much? I hope not.